It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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