Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
