Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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