'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
