i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
