the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
