no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
