dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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