First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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