Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
