Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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