Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
