U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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