Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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