if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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