He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
