I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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