I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
