your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
