yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
