hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
