I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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