My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
