at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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