she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
