I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
