You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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