hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
