fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
