Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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