tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
