Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize