Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I got chris browned last night
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Four minutes until I can fart!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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