Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
