My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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