Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
