Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He has the fingertips of a God
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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