you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I lost the right to judge tonight
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
