I think I won the penis lottery.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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