I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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