I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
