Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
