How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
