john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize