I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
