I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
