false alarm. still invincible.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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