I look better un-naked...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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