Where is the hickey?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize