btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
