You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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