What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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