Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
