I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
MIDGETS
????
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
