I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
