he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
