in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
