Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize