upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
