Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
