I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
