Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
