i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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