He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
