Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize