Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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