i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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