We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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