It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
