Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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