So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
