Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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