Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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