I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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