she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
